Episode 20: Fulfillment is Not Optional: Why It's a Protective Factor for Your Mental Health
————————

Erin Leech (00:39)

Hey friend, welcome back to In the Middle of It. My name is Erin Leech, and spring has truly sprung in New England — so I apologize for all the sniffles and my mildly congested voice. But we're here, still showing up, because it's just more of an annoyance than anything. Bear with me.

But today I really wanted to wrap up this informal series I've been doing all about being an ambitious mom, and I wanted to talk about something really important and probably a little overlooked at times. So we're talking about fulfillment today — specifically the need for it, and even more specifically, why I think that for moms like us — ambitious, entrepreneurial, big-vision moms — fulfillment is not a luxury or some kind of bonus that we get to have when everything else is figured out. Fulfillment is truly a protective factor for our mental health. It's a need. And the absence of it has some serious consequences, depending on who you are.

I want to be really transparent about all of it because this topic is ultimately the reason that I do what I do. Like, this is it. This is the whole thing. So I obviously have some things to say about it, and this episode might run a little long.

-----

So if you've been listening for a while, you know that the past several episodes — maybe eight or so — have been this informal series about what it means to be an ambitious mom. The identity piece, mental load and guilt, some misconceptions. And this episode will tie that all together. For me personally, but hopefully conceptually for you as well.

Because when I think about why I became a coach, and why I specifically work with ambitious entrepreneurial moms, the honest answer is fulfillment. The women I work with are not women who are simply bored or looking for a side hustle or something just to do on Wednesdays. These are women who have a deep knowing that they've got more to offer to the world than what they're currently giving. They're women who love being a mom — that is not up for debate, not for a single second. But they also know in their bones that they are more than that. And when they're not living that out, something's really deeply off.

And I know this because I lived it myself.

When I had Leon, I had this rosy-colored, honestly a little naive, picture of what I thought life was going to look like as a new mom who also ran her own business. I thought, I'm self-employed, I make my own schedule, this is going to work out great. The flexibility was supposed to be an advantage. And in some ways it was — it did help our family in terms of not needing childcare and a whole host of other things. But what I didn't anticipate was that the flexibility of my career also meant it was kind of the first thing to fall by the wayside. Because my husband Scott's job is a formal, quote-unquote regular job with a W-2 and all of that. He's got a boss and a schedule and obligations that don't flex very much. So he obviously couldn't just stop showing up to work. So naturally I became the default parent. And with that came this quiet — I won't say disappearance of my business or of myself — but motherhood certainly overshadowed my business and myself for a while.

And I want to say very clearly that being Leon's mom, and now Louis's mom as well, is one of the most favorite things I've ever done in my life. They're my everything. But that's not what this is about. This is not about not wanting to be a mom. It's about wanting to be more than that so I can be a better mom and a better wife and a better person to be around in general. But my business and my work, my purpose, the things that make me Erin outside of being someone's mom and someone's wife — that all just kind of slipped into the background.

It wasn't a conscious choice. It just kind of happened. And I never really anticipated how hard that was going to hit me, because I also just never really anticipated it happening in the first place. I genuinely thought I was going to be able to have my cake and eat it too.

But that is not what happened. That is not how the cookie crumbled. Because think about being a wedding photographer and having a baby in August — my maternity leave rolled directly into slow season. Which means that by the time I would have theoretically gone back to work, there wasn't really anything to go back to. So for the first almost nine months, I was just kind of home. I had other stuff going on — I was editing, I had done some sessions here and there, photographed a proposal — I had little things happening. But I was still struggling real bad.

And those moments when I did have sessions, when I had more client-facing work, were truly life-giving. Because I didn't even know it at the time — not until Leon was maybe at least six months old — but I was dealing with postpartum anxiety and depression and OCD, which I've talked about in other episodes. I don't need to get too detailed about that here. If you're interested in that part of the story, Episode 2 has a lot of it.

So there was all that, plus a lot of circumstances that contributed to my overall mental health — or lack thereof. And one of the biggest contributing factors, looking back, is that I had no identity outside of motherhood anymore. I did in theory, because yeah, I still had my business and I was still working a little. But for someone who's always been ambitious and a go-getter and never really envisioned herself as a stay-at-home mom — I've got big ideas and a vision and this need to create and contribute — it all just felt really suffocating.

But then spring came. I finished my treatment. And I started working again. And I just felt the fog lift. It's not a coincidence that it happened either. And that was really the nail in the head — whatever that phrase is — that I needed work for my sanity. Literally. Not because I didn't love being a mom, because I do. There are so many rewarding moments. But because I am a whole person, and motherhood alone is not enough to fill all of me.

And that sounds really bad coming out of my mouth, I think. But we need to normalize saying it out loud, because there are so many women who agree with that sentiment — who need more than just being a mom — and that is okay. It needs to be okay without shame attached to it.

-----

And just to be clear about what I mean when I say fulfillment, I'm not talking about any hobby or a fun way to pass time. This is a thing that is yours, that fills your soul, that typically makes some kind of impact in the world beyond the four walls of your house. And it connects directly to something I've talked about many, many times — Eve Rodsky's concept of unicorn space.

It's the time and space and energy that you have to put toward a meaningful endeavor outside of your household. Something that is just for you. Unicorn space does not include social time or your average "let me sit in a bath with a glass of wine" type of time. Unicorn space is tied to purpose, to impact. It's the big ideas that you have, the people you want to help, the thing that you feel called to do. It's not always a business, although that is specifically what it is for most women in my world. It does involve building something, creating something, helping people in some meaningful way in an entrepreneurial way. But it could also be volunteering, creative work, advocacy — whatever that is for you.

And the desire for that is not something you can just turn off. You can suppress it for a season, sure. You can shove it down. But it's not going to go away. And when it doesn't have an outlet, it's going to start to eat at you.

And that's what I mean when I say fulfillment is a protective factor. Because when fulfillment is absent — for women wired the way that we are — the consequences are real. There's this erosion of your identity that I've talked about a lot, and that doesn't happen in a vacuum. It happens when we've been living without fulfillment for too long and we've just kind of let motherhood swallow us whole. Not because we wanted to, but because it's what happened when we kind of stopped fighting for our own space and sticking up for ourselves.

-----

And within all of this, there's also the mental health side of things that can get even more glossed over than just the concept of fulfillment itself. When we talk about postpartum mental health, the conversation is usually about hormones, baby blues, sleep deprivation, maybe birth trauma, the adjustment to a new baby. And all of that is obviously real and valid. But what doesn't get talked about enough is the identity piece — specifically the role that a loss of purpose and fulfillment plays in postpartum mental health struggles.

For ambitious women in particular, there is a very specific kind of suffering that happens when you go from being a person who creates and contributes and leads and builds, to feeling like your only role is to keep another human alive and the house from falling apart. That is a very jarring experience. Speaking from personal experience.

And I'm not minimizing how sacred and important all of that is. But I am saying that for women like us, it's not enough on its own. And when we try to make it enough — when we try to tell ourselves we should just be grateful, we should just be present, we're so lucky to be home, so lucky for this opportunity — we are not doing ourselves any favors. We're just delaying the inevitable crash that's looming in the distance.

Preparing for this episode, I found some actual research that is really clear: having a sense of purpose and identity outside of caregiving — and this goes for guys too, for any caregiver or parent or guardian — is significant as a protective factor against postpartum depression and anxiety, particularly for women. Having a role that feels meaningful, whether it's work or creative output or community leadership that's aligned with your values, is associated with better mental health outcomes for mothers. We know this. And yet we still live in a culture — at least in the United States, though I wouldn't be surprised if it extended beyond that — that tells moms wanting more than motherhood is selfish.

But it's not selfish. It's survival.

-----

So not only is fulfillment hugely important as a means of taking care of ourselves, but when we are our fulfilled selves — when we're pouring into our purpose and have something that is ours — we are able to pour into our families in a way that we just can't when we're running on empty. A mom who is fulfilled, who has tended to her own spirit and ambition and joy, comes back to her family with so much more to give. Just like any of our electronic devices — we have to find ways to recharge.

And then let's just think about what our kids are seeing when we do that. When we go after the things that matter to us, advocate for our purpose, and build something truly meaningful and impactful.

For our sons — they are watching us. They're watching a woman who knows how to advocate for herself, who can set limits and honor them, which is usually the harder part. They see a woman who has a fire that belongs only to her. And what does that teach them? It teaches them to revere powerful women. And it's going to shape how they one day show up in their own relationships and homes, because this is their baseline. This is what they know a woman to be — or at least one version.

And for our daughters — they are watching a woman who does not shrink, who does not put herself last as a rule, who shows them that you can be an incredible, devoted mother and also be someone who goes after what she is called to do. And we're setting them up to do the same. To believe in their bones that they don't have to choose. That they can have it all — it might look a little different than having one or the other, but in some way, shape, or form, they can do it all.

And that's one of the most important things we can give our children. Not necessarily our physical presence at all times, or certainly not a perfect, exhausted, depleted version of ourselves — but the living proof that it's possible to love your family fiercely and also love yourself enough to keep the fire burning.

-----

And all that being said, I do want to take a moment and acknowledge something really important, because I never want this work to come across as a criticism of moms who've chosen to stay at home or who genuinely feel completely fulfilled in that role. Because there is space for all of us. Stay-at-home moms, working moms, work-from-home moms, homeschooling moms — all moms in all configurations. We are all individuals and so is our experience of motherhood. What fuels one woman might completely deplete another. And that is okay. We are not all the same.

What I am specifically talking about is the woman who is not fulfilled by motherhood alone. The woman who feels like she has way more to give. The woman for whom the absence of purpose outside of her house is not a choice she's made — it is actually a problem.

And that woman exists. I was her. Kind of still am, especially now in this newborn era with number two.

And we deserve permission to say things like that out loud without shame.

And for some women, this desire for something more outside of motherhood is yes, for their own personal fulfillment — but the other part we can't ignore is that some families literally need two incomes. Especially in today's economy, in April 2026, the US economy and the United States in general is just a hot mess express right now. And in my opinion, if you're going to have to work and produce an income regardless — which a lot of us are — then it might as well be something that you love. It might as well be something that's worth being away from your family for. And it sure as heck should be something that fills you up instead of just draining you.

And that is one of the beautiful things about entrepreneurship. That's why I am so passionate about working with ambitious moms who have that entrepreneurial spirit. Because when we design our businesses with intention, we get to build something around what we love, our families, what the world needs, and what actually works with our family's rhythms. We are architects of our own time and life.

You know your family's busy seasons, and you can make sure, for the most part, that your business's busy seasons don't overlap. Unless your husband is a football coach and you are a wedding photographer in New England — then yeah, you're both really busy in the fall. Which is partially why I decided to pivot into coaching. Because again, beautiful thing about entrepreneurship: I'm not stuck in one lane.

And it's the same for my identity overall. I'm not choosing between being a great mom and having a great business. I can choose to be a whole person who is a great mom and has a great business that fits in with my family's lifestyle. And that serves everyone in our vicinity.

-----

So when people ask me why I decided to transition to coaching, and specifically why I work with ambitious moms rather than, say, photographers when I used to be a photographer — the answer is always some version of everything I just shared. Because I know what it feels like to lose yourself to motherhood when that was not the plan. I know what it feels like to have your identity quietly swallowed while you're busy keeping everybody else alive and their clothes clean.

And I know what it feels like when the fog lifts and you finally get back to doing something that's yours. Something that matters. Something that makes you feel like yourself again and not just somebody's mother.

Especially right now — as of April 21st, 2026 — my son is just past a month old. And having the time to record this episode, these little spurts of time to schedule social media posts and everything else I'm working on behind the scenes — those little pockets of time are genuinely filling my cup up. So that when I'm done recording this, I can go back out to the living room and I'm not depleted. I'm not drained. I actually have more energy than probably when I walked away.

Those moments of coming back to yourself — I want that for every single woman who has felt like she disappeared somewhere along the way of having children. And that is the whole point of this work that I do. That's why this podcast exists. That's why I started it.

Fulfillment is not a bonus. It's not a reward you get after you've checked off every other box. It is a need. For the women in my world, it is the difference between surviving motherhood and actually thriving in it and loving it.

-----

So if you're listening to this and you're feeling that pull — that recognition of, yeah, that is me — I want you to embrace that. Don't push it away. Let it mean something. If you know you're one of those women who needs more than motherhood to feel like yourself, it's not a flaw in your character. It's just who you are. And it's something to honor, not hide.

So that's it for this episode. I've got one more coming in this series, and then I'll move forward into some other topics — and hopefully some guest speakers pretty soon.

But if you've been here with me through these episodes, I am very, very grateful for your time and for listening. And if any of them have resonated with you, please share them. You never know who in your circle needs to hear this kind of stuff.

And with that, I am Erin Leech. This is In the Middle of It. And as always, wherever you are in motherhood, in your business, in healing — I'm really, really glad that you're here. I'll see you next week.